Randomness, Fun and Jokes with The Twilight People
by Irene Moriarty
Summary: A bunch of Funny stuff with the Twilight people! Lots of Emmett! Lits of hilarity! A LOT OF FUN TO READ! PLEASE JUST READ IT! What better is there to do? Seriously? Rated T because . . . well you know Rosalie . . . :- MWA!
1. Biting Soccer Balls

**These are the conversations that the little voices in my head has (the voices sound a lot like the characters of Twilight) while I'm watching the Soccer World Cup final...I wrote this during the game...WHICH IS STILL GOING ON AND NO ONE HAS SCORED ANYTHING! **

**Thanks mom for helping me be crazy and laughing at my randomness and also being quite random. Some of you're idea's sucked, so I warped them into my own use (evil laugh) LOVE YA!**

**Enjoy the story! **

Why can't people use teeth while playing soccer? I couldn't see why not so I tried it!

...1 hour later...

Edward - EMMETT!

Emmett – What? (innocently)

Edward – I AM TIRED OF BUYING NEW SOCCER BALLS!

Emmett – It does not stand in the official rules of soccer that teeth are disallowed.

Edward – It doesn't need to be written down! It's obvious! Its common sense!

Emmett – You mean the same kind of obvious that makes it obvious that you are gay?

Edward – I. Am. Not. Gay. (calmly)

Emmett – Sure you are! Bella's just a cover up! You're in love with Mike aren't you?

Edward – I AM NOT GAY!

Emmett – Sure you aren't... *wink*

Edward – UGH!... Anyway! Stop biting the soccer balls!

Emmett – No! I keep on losing!

Edward – You're kicking the ball against a wall. Alone. Nobody to win you.

Emmett – I blame the balls...

Edward – Okay then...

Emmett – YOURE IN LOVE WITH JACOB!

Edward – What?

Emmett – That's why you won't let Bella date him, YOU want him all for yourself!

Edward – EMMETT!

Emmett - *grabs a pen and paper and starts drawing, a few minutes later he holds up a paper that has got a picture of Jacob and Edward kissing with the caption "Screw Bella"*

Edward – EMMETT!

Emmett – I'm bored. I'm leaving.

Edward – Where to?

Emmett - ...

Edward – Why in the hell do you want to go to South Africa!

Emmett – Well...DUH!...*scoffs* You stupid 109 year old virgin! The Soccer World Cup, it's done and dusted now so they ought to have LOTS of left over, chewable soccer balls!

Edward – Remember the last time you went alone to Madagascar?

Emmett - ...

Edward – No, that was Hawaii.

Emmett - ...

Edward – Oh for goodness sake Emmett, you killed off the Dodo's.

Emmett – No, way! You can't pin that one on me! I did not eat them all! There was 1 left!

Edward - ... You know what? I can feel the intelligence being sucked out of me.

Emmett – I ain't sucking anything.

Edward – Your train of thought is mentally scarring my brain.

Emmett – I don't know what that means. Anyhoo, if you don't trust me going on my own, I'll force someone to go with me!

Edward – Good luck with that.

Emmett – Do you want to...you know what? Never mind. ROSALIE!

Rosalie - *from upstairs* WHAT!

Emmett – No matter how difficult the situation there is NO need to shout. I can hear you perfectly well, my sweetie.

Rosalie - *comes down stairs* Why are you talking in a British accent?

Emmett - *shrugs*

Rosalie -... Why did you want me to come downstairs?

Emmett – OH LOOK A SQUIRREL! ... Where was I? Oh yeah! ROSALIE!

Rosalie – IM ALLREADY HERE YOU IDIOT!

Emmett – Oh, hi.

Rosalie – Why. Did. You. Want. Me. To. Come. Downstairs?

Emmett – Oh yeah! Pack our bags!

Rosalie – Why?

Emmett – Because...Were swimming to Africa!

Rosalie – (pretending to be interested) Why?

Emmett – Never mind the details! Pack our bags—make them waterproof if you don't mind. Put on waterproof make-up too. We don't want you to look ugly in Africa. The people there might think you're a demon, coming to kill them all!

Rosalie - *slaps Emmett and goes upstairs and slams her door*

Emmett – I blame PMS.

Edward - *gets up and leaves*

Emmett – Why is it so quiet? *looks around* Where is everybody.

...5 minutes later...

Emmett – Hello? Why aren't you answering me!

...10 minutes later...

Emmett – Echo! Echo! Darn it! Why didn't it Echo!

...15 minutes later...

Emmett – *singing to himself* There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! B-I-N-G-O!

...20 minutes later...

Emmett - Okay! The stove is now officially talking to me! Run! *runs in circles with hands in the air screaming in terror until the front door opens and Alice and Jasper comes in*

Alice – Emmett? Why are you and Jasper going to Africa?

Emmett – Oh yeah forgot about that... WERE GOING TO AFRICA, JASPER!

Jasper – I'm glad you think so.

Emmett – O please...Jasper please...I'm begging!

Jasper – How are you planning to get to Africa?

Emmett – _**WE **_are going to swim!

Jasper – Why in the name of all that is holy would I want to go to Africa.

Emmett – They. Have. Elephants! Soccer World Cups Full Of Blood!

Jasper - *points finger in air* TO AFRICA!

Emmett - *Is now dancing a un-shameful victory dance*

Jasper – Lets go, RIGHT NOW!

Emmett – LADUMA!

*Carlisle comes in through the door*

Emmett – Guess what, Pops?

Carlisle - *sighs* what is this time?

Emmett – Me. Jasper. Go. Africa! Elephants! Biting! Soccer balls! Swimming! Atlantic Ocean! Whale! Africa! Sunny! Shit! We! Wear! HATS! Protect! From! Sunlight! Stupid! Sun! What! Where? Am? I? Um! OH YEAH! Africa!

*Carlisle looks confused and calls Edward, Edward comes down stairs*

Edward – Yes Carlisle.

Carlisle – What's going on in that brain of his?

Edward - *sighs* He wants to swim to Africa to bite innocent soccer balls and hunt elephants.

Carlisle – No.

Emmett – What...? *on the edge of crying*

Carlisle – You're not going to Africa.

Emmett - *sobbing* Why!

Carlisle – You have school tomorrow.

Emmett – A school can easily be burned to ASH! *evil grin*

Jasper – I'll help

Carlisle – No you won't.

Jasper – Darn it

Emmett – PLEASE DADDY! !

Carlisle – No, and that's final.

Edward – You know he won't let this go!

Carlisle – Yes but at least it bought us some time.

Emmett - *sobbing* What am I supposed to do know!

Edward – Go talk to the magic stove.

...

Esme had to buy a new stove after it told Emmett it wanted to marry Rosalie.

Edward is now in therapy to recover from over exposure to Emmet's mind.

Alice is planning to actually take the family to Africa

Carlisle is pissed because Emmett keeps nagging him to buy him a scuba gear outfit so that he can swim to Africa. He refuses to tell Emmett that he doesn't need one.

Jasper is in jail after burning down Forks High School

Rosalie has bought an extensive range of waterproof make-up because she doesn't want to be ugly after crying about being "ugly"

Bella has refused to take part in any of this.

A drawing of Jacob and Edward kissing is now circling the worldwide internet.

Jacob is pissed.

Edward is pissed.

Bella is pissed.

**REVIEW!**

**Or I'll turn you into a soccer ball and give you to Emmett!**

**Anyway...THANKS FOR READING! REVIEW!**

**Or else...(dramatic music)**

**This story may be continued. Is categorized as complete, but chapters may be added.**


	2. Night In And Out

**MY BFF, VALERIE HELPED ME WRITE THIS TOO! WERE AWESOME!**

**ENJOY OUR MINDS AT WORK!**

**Please forgive me if I maybe used someone's idea's or lines or anything that isn't mine, if I accidently wrote something that you read somewhere else. I didn't do it knowingly.**

(Emmett was sitting in front of the TV, trying not to be bored. The TV wasn't on, which didn't help)

Emmett – IM BORED!

Rosalie – So? (Looks up from mirror)

Emmett – GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO!

Rosalie – Go talk to another inanimate object.

Emmett – Okay. (Walks off to talk to inanimate objects)

Seth – (sitting under the table and talks in deep voice) Emmett...

Emmett – (freezes) Table?

Seth – Yes... (Deep creepy voice)

Emmett – MASTER! (Falls to the ground in a bow)

Seth – Bring me a pie... (Deep creepy voice)

Emmett – Anything you want! (Runs out the door)

Rosalie – He's going to find out it's you some time.

Seth – Not until after I get my pie... (Deep creepy voice)

Rosalie – Stop talking like that.

Seth – I can never stop ones I've started... (Deep creepy voice)

Rosalie – Don't say that sentence in front of Jasper.

Emmett – (runs back into the room) Um...Magic Table?

Seth – Yes, slave? (Deep creepy voice)

Emmett – Where does a "pie" live and does it have sharp teeth?

Rosalie – A pie is human food, Emmett.

Emmett – (blank expression) You can hear him too? Wait, aren't tables supposed to eat table food?

Seth – (baby voice) I want my PIE!

Emmett – (looks under table) Seth?

Seth – Woof.

Emmett – Aw! Rosie! Can we keep him!

Rosalie – (smiling) Emmett, if you want to have a dog you're going to have to brush it and feed it and bathe it and take it for walks...

Seth – Ha ha

Emmett – O Rosie!

Rosalie – We'll Im not cleaning up after him.

Emmett – Are you housetrained? (To Seth)

Seth – Mostly.

Emmett – See Rosie! ...

Rosalie – Whatever

Emmett – I TAKE THAT AS A YES!

Seth – I STILL WANT MY PIE!

Rosalie – Take Seth to China or Japan or something, I hear they eat dogs there.

Seth – No, I want a PIE.

Emmett – Wolves are endangered Rosalie, I think people are banned from eating them. (as-a-matter-of-factly)

Rosalie – That won't stop me.

Seth – I—WANT—MY—PIE!

Emmett – (singing) There was a vampire who had a wolf and Sethi was his name-o! S—E—T—H—I!

Seth – (singing) S—E—T—H—I!

Emmett & Seth – (singing) S—E—T—H—I! AND SETHI WAS HIS NAME-O!

Rosalie – You people are idiots.

Seth – How's the extensive range of waterproof make-up going?

Rosalie – (out of the room in a flash)

Emmett – Nice (high 5's Seth)

Seth – It's a talent.

-(moment of silence)-

Seth – I still want my pie!

(Alice, Jasper, Edward and Bella come through the door)

Alice – Who said something about a pie?

Seth – LEAVE MY PIE ALONE!

Alice – Okay, then . . .

-(akward silence)-

Emmett – Its Alice's fault that somewhere in the world a gay baby is being born.

Everyone – What?

Emmett – (clears throat) "Every awkward silence a gay baby is born"

-(awkward silence)-

Emmett – I'm naming this one "Edward".

-(moment of snickering)-

Emmett – IM BORED! . . . AGIAN!

Alice – Ooooh! I know what we could do! (excited)

-(moment of silence, everyone is stressed)-

Alice – It's in America!

Bella – Phew . . .

Alice – Were just going for a movie.

Bella – Phew . . .

Alice – In Seattle!

Bella – Ugh!

Alice – C'mon let's go!

Emmett – Let me get Rosalie!

Rosalie – No! Leave Rosalie _alone_! (from upstairs)

. . . After the movies, outside the theatre on the sidewalk...

Rosalie – Why didn't you just leave Rosalie _alone_?

Jasper – (smug smile) C'mon Rosie, you know you wanted to go . . .

Rosalie – Yeah! Your right! That was so much fun! (extremely happy)

Alice – Nice one, Jazz.

Emmett – Nah, I don't like jazz, rap music is more my thing. Yo dog!

Seth – I like tribal music.

Rosalie – Freak.

Seth – Hypocrite. Don't you remember tonight at the movies at all?

_Flashback_

_Alice – Edward, when will you be telling Emmett about that guy who's staring at Rosalie?_

_Emmett – WHAT!_

_Edward – Clearly, you just did._

_Rosalie – Along with that guy, and that one, oh and that one, and don't forget Mr Drool over there, that guy, this guy, that lesbian, myself with a mirror, oh and that tourist and that horse, and that guy, and that guy . . ._

_Emmett – I GET IT!_

_Rosalie – Well . . ._

_Emmett – (strands up and screams) WHY DONT YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE IT'LL LAST LONGER!_

_Jasper – I doubt that, this one could get thousands of years old (whispers and points at Rosalie)_

_Guy # 3: Yeah, c'mon babe! Pose! (takes pictures)_

_Emmett – HOWS THIS FOR A PICTURE! (gives Guy # 3 the finger)_

_End of flashback_

Seth – By the way, Emmett. Thanks for getting us kicked out of the cinema.

Emmett – Pleasure!

Alice – Hay guys, look at this. (points to the news)

News Anchor – _There has been reports of a truck full of sheep being kidnapped by a large unknown man. The drivers of the vehicle describe him as "Big, extremely strong and handsome—"_

Alice – What kind of idiot would steal a—

Emmett – AWESOME! The driver's thinks I'm handsome!

Jasper - That kind.

Alice – Oh no you didn't...

Emmett – Oh yes I did...

Alice – When will you ever learn?

Emmett – Tomorrow. At school.

Alice – No you won't! You and Rosie-Poise over here are too busy doing X-Rated things in the janitor's closet!

Emmett – (grinning stupidly)

Edward – Ow, ow. Descriptive thoughts... (Eye twitches)

Emmett – . . .

Edward – Why are you thinking of Bella in a bikini?

Emmett – To piss you off!

Jasper – Success!

Edward – (attacks Emmett)

People on the street - (staring really weirdly)

Jasper - (calms them down)

Edward – You better count the seconds of your last few minutes in this dimension.

Emmett - Oooh I'm so scared...

Edward- (leans in to attack and takes a quick step forward but stops just before reaching a extremely scared Emmett)

Emmett – NO! Pleaaaase don't kill me! I'm to beautiful to die!(Screaming like a little girl. But covering face and eyes and his man vegetables, so he doesn't see that Edward is indeed NOT going to kill him)

Jasper – Scared-y cat!

(An old lady at the cinema bends over to pick up something she dropped and her underpants show)

Emmett- I SEE LONDON! I SEE FRANCE! I SEE THOSE HUGE UNDERPANTS! (Points to the old lady's huge butt)

Lady - (Turns around and is very angry) YOU (cough) PERVERT! (Hits them with her bag)

Emmett - RUN!

Jasper – Oh yeah (sarcastic) Run from the _old_ lady...

Emmett – Yeah! Your right! (Starts running in slow motion) Oooooh nooooo! Ooooooold laaaadyyyyyyy—OW OW OW! (Old lady hits him with bag) Jeez woman! You're fast!

Lady – You new age boys! (Cough) Looking at everything (cough) with the ability to pee!

Emmett – We are not young! I could be your grandfather!

Alice – Hay! Im older than you! (to Emmett)

Emmett – Oh should we really start the whole "age thing" again?

Alice – yes, LITTLE BROTHER!

Emmett – GRANDMA!

Bella – Please, can we just say Carlisle wins and get it over with?

Everyone – Agree

Emmett – Yeah, he's a freaking fossil! OW OW OW! DID EVERYONE FORGET ABOUT THE LUNATIC HITTING US WITH HER HANDBAG!

Rosalie – I don't even have a handbag here, idiot

Emmett – Oh, _I'M_ the idiot (Sarcastic)

Alice – Not in this particular moment but yes, you are.

Emmett – Please can we run from the lunatic with the handbag full of very sharp items!

Everyone – Agree!

(Everyone runs away)

Lady – See you in Hell, bucko-roo!

Bella-(runs and falls and Edward and everyone stops except Emmett)

Emmett-forget her and save yourselves, she's not worth it! (Run's into the distance while shouting "Collateral damage!")

Bella – Go without me! (Dramatic)

Edward – Never! (Dramatically yells and picks Bella up into his arms and runs off into the distance after Emmett)

Alice – I forgot my purse! (dramatic)

Jasper – O please! (Drags Alice by the hand into the distance)

Rosalie – Running is for losers!

(A guy climbs into a fancy sports car and before he drives off, Rosalie hits him over the head and drives off with him still in it)

Carlisle's new nickname is "The Fossil"

Esme has searched the whole wide web for someone who does "Vampire Family Therapy"

Rosalie has dumped the guy and the car at the side of the road next to the house. Poor guy.

Emmett is still running.

Alice wants a new handbag but Jasper won't go shopping with her.

Jasper is making friends with the werewolves because he can "hide" from Alice when he's with them. Nobody wants to go shopping for purses.

Seth is somewhere... He disappeared somewhere in this story...

There is a picture of Rosalie posing for the camera in a theatre on the internet, and a picture of Emmett's finger.

Seth has been found by total strangers in a wood in the middle of nowhere. He has grown a beard, has become extremely dirty, forgot how to speak proper English, and insists that his name is Barney.

Seth has only been missing for 2 hours before being found.

Bella and Edward have joined the Forks High School Drama Club. It was NOT Bella's idea, neither Edwards. It's a mystery... like Emmett's brain.

Seth ran away to join all his woodland friends. No...not the werewolves... Mostly squirrels...

Emmett stopped running because he saw something shiny.

Emmett has joined Seth's Woodland Club.

Seth doesn't like Emmett eating his Woodland friends.

Alice has found Jasper...

Jasper is doomed. DOOMED! DOOOOOOOOMMEMEEDDDQQD!

Emmett insists "Hippo" is spelled "Huoqwollqqqqqqqo" It is in fact, not.

Emmett failed his English final. Why, really?

**REVIEW PLEASE! It would make me and Valerie very very very happy!**


	3. What Goes On Before School

**This is the third chapter! WHOOP WHOOP! **

**This chapter is dedicated to my BFF Valerie (who I call Bella). She gave me the idea, helped me write it and laughed at the stuff that was funny, and ridiculed the stuff that weren't. THANKS!**

**She also helped me write it, I would write a few lines and then she would write a few lines. TEAMWORK! **

**ENJOY!**

Emmett – (stands next to Bella where she's sleeping in her bed, at her house staring at her)

(Edward is at the Cullen's house changing clothes. So Emmett, Rosalie and Alice are at Bella's watching her sleep)

Emmett-She is so weird when she sleeps...weird (makes a weird face at Bella that's sleeping)

Alice – I dare you to get into that bed. There has to be something fun about it if Edward does it every night.

Emmett – (grinning as he climbs into bed, under the sheets)

Bella – Edward... (Mumbling half asleep and hugs Emmett because she thinks he's Edward)

Rosalie - This is not ever leaving this room... (death glare at Bella)

Alice – Jealous? (Takes a picture while Rosalie glares at her)

Emmett - shhh...Bella love, I'm here (does a great impersonation of Edward)

Bella – (smiles)

-(30 minutes later)-

Emmett – This is boring, why isn't she talking!

Bella-(wakes up) Edward?

Emmett-yyeessss

Bella-WHAT THE...EMMETT!

Emmett – No no no no! SLEEP AGIAN!

Bella – Then get out of this bed and stop screaming at me! And you two! (to Alice & Rosalie)

Emmett – No no no no! Please! I'll sing you a lullaby!

Bella – (Raises eyebrows)

Emmett – (hops up from bed and plays air guitar while singing really badly) LALA LALALA LALALALA! SLEEP BELLA SLEEP! DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DA DADAA!

Bella - what the hell is that?

Emmett - It's my lullaby ... don't you like it? (Sad face)

Bella – Well...

Emmett – I TRIED!

Bella – I'm calling Edward... (Calls Edward) Edward? Emmett slept with me while Rosalie and Alice watched!

Emmett & Alice & Rosalie – RUN!

Edward-(in front of Emmett & Rosalie & Alice in a sec) YOU DID WHAT!

Emmett-She made me do it! (Points to Alice)

Alice –Edward He didn't actually _sleep _with her!

Edward – GET OUT! (Shoves them out of the window)

Rosalie – That's nice of him... (Sarcastic)

Emmett – e ushed e ou nd i anded o y ace. (Face first in the mud)

Alice – Say what?

Emmett – (lifts face up) He pushed me out and I landed on my face.

Alice – Thanks for translating

Emmett – (face falls in mud again) 'up!

Edward - I'll kill you later!

Emmett – (puts thumb up, face still in mud)

Alice – (pulls him out of the mud and Emmett mouth and face is full of mud) You kiss that? (to Rosalie)

Rosalie-kiss who? (Acting like Emmett doesn't exist)

Alice – (rolls eyes)

(They all run back to their house and stop in the garden)

Rosalie – Its 5 o'clock. C'mon, time to get ready for school!

Alice – It's just you who needs 3 hours!

Rosalie - precisely, now C'mon!

Emmett - hey Rosebutt?

Rosalie - what!

Emmett - How do you drown a blond, that's you?

Rosalie - ugh!

Emmett - you put all her mirrors on the bottom of a pool.

Alice - And he did...

Rosalie - EMMETT! I can't drown!

Emmett – But I still threw them to the bottom of the pool... (Point's to the pool)

Rosalie – (Holds him up by his shirt at arm's-length) Emmett! How am I supposed to do my hair without a freaking mirror!

Emmett – That's YOUR problem...

Rosalie – And me giving you no _action _for a weekis YOUR problem!

Emmett – NOOOOOO!

Alice – Think on the bright side! Your mirrors are clean now.

Rosalie - Either way I'm not getting wet! In any way! So you get my mirrors NOW!

Emmett - yes ma'am (salutes)

Alice – Speaking of salutes... Where's Jasper!

Rosalie – WHO CARES! I WANT MY MIRRORS! (pushes Emmett in the pool)

Emmett – (Splashing around in very shallow water) NO! I'm gonna drown!

Rosalie – God, you're stupid!

Emmett – Firstly, God isn't stupid! Second, HELP ME IM DROWNING!

Rosalie – Firstly, you know that's not what I meant! Secondly, just stand up!

Emmett – Oh, right. (Realises he's in the shallow end and stands up and the water isn't higher than his knee)

Rosalie-GET MY MIRRORS!

Emmett-fine fine, chill Rose (in a bored way)

Alice – Well, you go deal with that problem while I go look for my true love!

Rosalie–You're closet?

Alice – Nooooo! Jasper!

Emmett – DUH ROSEBUTT!

Rosalie – Shut up and get my mirrors!

Emmett-yeah yeah, (mumbles to self) calls herself my wife, more like a control freak...

Rosalie-I heard that!

Emmett – (mumbles to himself) Of _COURSE_ she heard that... (Goes underwater and throws out a mirror)

Rosalie – (mumbles to herself) Calls himself my husband, more like my child...

Emmett-(throw's out 2 more mirrors and they break)

Rosalie-YOU BROKE MY MIRRORS!

Emmett- At least _this _time it wasn't your face. (doesn't really care)

Rosalie-ugh! (runs into house and uses Alice mirror )

Alice-what are you doing in my room, hear the words MY ROOM!

Rosalie-Oh get over it!

Alice-Jasper! Ugh! I'm going to see if Edward know where he is.

-10 sec later-

Alice-Edward do you know where Jasper is?

Edward-he is out hunting...

Alice-o...okay... WHY!

Edward – When a vampire gets thirsty, they go hunting...

Bella – Are you thirsty (to Edward) If you say yes please don't hunt me (joking)

Alice – I—Want—MY—Jasper!

Edward – I—Want—Peace—and—QUIET!

Alice – THEN WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING!

Edward – Because your shouting!

Alice – AM NOT! Oh right... I'll go now.

Edward – Thanks.

Bella- Alice?

Alice- yes?

Bella-can you hurry, please?

Alice-ugh! People and their alone time... I want my alone time with Jasper! UGH!

Bella – Why aren't you gone yet?

Alice – Oh right... (Leaves and go sits all lonely and sad like on bed)

Rosalie – (from outside) IF YOU BREAK ANOTHER MIRROR, EMMETT! I WILL PERSONALLY CUT OFF YOUR "MAN JEWELS" WITH A BUTTER KNIFE AND THROW THEM IN A LAKE!

Emmett- (From outside) YES MOTHER!

Rosalie-(From outside) I'm not old enough to be your mother!

Emmett- (From outside) You're a little over aged to be MY mother!

Rosalie-(From outside) EMMETT!

Alice – (shouts through window at them) SHUT UP, WILL YOU! CANT YOU SEE IM SULKING!

Rosalie – (from outside) IM BUSY HERE! (Busy chasing Emmett around with a grinder and a butter knife)

Alice – WELL SCREAM QUIETER! AND IF YOU CUT OFF HIS "MANLY GUN" WOULD YOU MIND DISPOSING IT IN A LAKE _FAR FAR _AWAY FROM ME! SEEING IT ONCE IS ENOUGH!

Rosalie – WHEN IN THE HELL DID YOU SEE IT!

Alice – YOU TWO ARENT EXACTLY PRIVATE!

Rosalie – PISS OFF!

Esme – (from kitchen) BEHAVE!

Carlisle-I come home and this is what I come home to! A bunch of hormonal, sex deviant, irritating, in-need-of-excessive-therapy, teenage, wise ass, condescending, idiotic, egotistic, unreasonable vampires...well except Edward and Jasper. They weren't here so I can't pin this on them!

Emmett – I never expected this from you Carlisle... And why are Jasper and Edward always pin-less!

Carlisle-Because Edward is responsible and Jasper, well he's Jasper.

Alice-I heard that!

Emmett-hey! Jasper almost burned the school down once and he didn't get pinned!

Esme -Are you talking back to your father?

Emmett-yes! Obviuo-frikin-ly!

Alice-MORON! NO FREAKING RESPECT!

Emmett – But face it! Jasper & Edward aren't pinnable! Don't look at me like that, Carl—_daddy, _I know "pinnable" isn't a real word!

Alice – And yet...

Rosalie – No wonder Bella jumped off a cliff...

Alice – Hey, that was your fault!

Rosalie – You threw the stupid Birthday party where your "unpinnable" husband almost killed Bella!

Emmett – He still didn't get pinned for that! People don't usually get forgiven for attempted murder! But noooo... Jasper has a invisible force field which repels all know pins! Yet when I make up my own words I get fricking pinned in the butt!

Jasper-well your just bad luck, pinnable Emmett.

Alice-JAZZY!

Jasper-Howdy sweetie, by the way Emmett, I said sorry for that!

Emmett-(throwing Jasper with pins but the pins doesn't even pin Jasper, they just bounce off. Like throwing a rock) See? He's pinless!

Jasper – Was that really necessary!

Emmett – Just proving a point!

Alice – Which is pointless!

Emmett – A point is never pointless!

Everyone – (Stares at him like he's crazy, which he is)

Emmett – A point is always pointy! A point without a point is not a point! Its just a pointless thingy named McUnPointyWithoutAPointy! And why is Edward so feminine? Why does a chihuahau have such large ears? Point point point point... You get my point?

Carlisle-Now my _point_ is proven. (sigh's)

Emmett-See you're pinning me!

Esme-Emmett stop talking, period.

Emmett-Is period a point? Cause you've put a point on the end? Can you say "Get to the period" instead of "get to the point"? What? I'm confuzzled... (very confused)

Edward- (Driving up the road to the house stop and he and Bella climbs out) Hi, weird family.

Emmett-SEE! He said your weird and he doesn't get pinned!

Edward- A normal person would say ''I don't wanna hear about it '' but not me.

Emmett-Stupid mind reader!

Rosalie – SHIT! We've got school in half an hour! Im still not ready and half of my mirrors are broken and the other half on the bottom of the pool! WTF!

Emmett-shit this! (climbs out pool and goes to get ready for school, not that there is much to work with.)

Rosalie-DON'T YOU WALK OUT ON ME!1

Emmett-I just did! (takes big steps shouting walking!)

Rosalie-(Mouth hanging open )

-20 min late-

Edward-C'mon we are going to be late!

Emmett-ROSEBUTT! C'MON!

Rosalie-not ready yet (busy doing her nails)

(Jasper, Alice, Bella and Edward are riding together in the Volvo which left a few minutes ago)

Emmett- C'mon Rose they already left!

Rosalie-SHUT UP! ITS YOUR FAULT!

Emmett-1...2...3...4...5...6...7... (starting the engine of Rosalie's car)

Rosalie-fine (already in car)

Emmett- to school! (Points finger in air inside the car, but, being an idiot and all, forgets how long his arms is and how low a sports cars roof is. So, idiotically like only Emmett can, makes a hole in the roof of the car with his finger) Oops

Rosalie-idiot! This is Forks! It rains! There's a friking hole in my roof!

Emmett – I just forgot! No need to be a bi—(gets cut off by Rosalie screaming)

Rosalie – DONT HIT THAT DEER!

-(to be continued at school)-

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	4. Beginning Of School

**VALERIE AND I ARE GETTING TOGETHER TO WRITE THESE STORIES FOR YOU PEOPLE! **

**ENJOY IT OR ELSE...**

-Continues from last chapter-

(Everyone arrives at school)

(Edward, Bella, Alice and Jasper arrives first)

Edward-(reads Rosalie and Emmett's minds that are on their way) Prepare to be thoroughly entertained...

-10 sec later-

(Rosalie and Emmett arrives and Rosalie is screaming at him, pointing at the roof)

Bella – Oh this is what you meant...

Alice – Of course she's screaming at him...

Jasper – Everyone's staring...

Rosalie – (gets out of car but continues to scream at him) –I SWEAR THAT BUTTER KNIFE WILL BE THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS, MISTER!

Emmett – DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL ESME!

Rosalie – MOMMA'S BOY!

Emmett – BITCH!

Rosalie – What—did—you—just—call—me?

Emmett – A SUPER **BITCH!**

Rosalie – (death glare and fuming with anger) You—did—not...

Jasper – I'm sorry guys. This anger is waaaay out of my control!

(All the people in the parking lot are staring at them. Taylor is just staring at Rose's butt as usual)

Teacher – What the hell is going on here?

Rosalie – Nothing sir... (glaring at Emmett)

Emmett – Why in the hell are you looking at me! You're the crazy rabid blonde!

Teacher – Detention! All of you!

Alice – Why? What did we do!

Teacher – You're their family! I'm scared you'll snap!

Bella – This is my future...

Teacher – You two Miss Swan! You're not family but you're with them _more_ than your own family!

Bella – (sigh) Yes, sir.

Teacher – Today. Till 5. Did I make myself clear enough for you?

Emmett – Huh—(Rosalie silences him with a elbow in the tummy)

Rosalie – _We _(looks around at everyone except Emmett) understand.

Teacher – (walks away with a smug look)

Alice – Well _thanks, _guys. I was planning a shopping spree with Bella—

Bella – (hugs Emmett) Thank-you for saving me.

Emmett – Can't . . . ow . . . breathe . . . (clutching belly)

Rosalie – Bad thing you don't have to . . .

Emmett – Thanks . . . for . . . the . . . _love_ . . . Rosie . . .

Rosalie- My pleasure! (death glare) Taylor! My butt is my property!

Jasper- Still want to be part of the family, Bella?

Bella- Um...I'll get back to you on that.

Edward- (kisses Bella lightly and smiles)

Rosalie- Stop kissing, love birds!

Edward- Shut up Rose!

Rosalie-Ugh!

Jasper- Even she has mood swings. (Rolls eyes)

Alice-Jasper, I think you may be a contributing factor to the whole mood swing thing.

Jasper- Whatever...

Emmett-(Drags him back pack while singing a really REALLY sad song.) _I'm not a perfect person! There's many things I wish I didn't do... _(Everybody's staring)

Edward- The Reason? Hoobastank? Really?

Emmett- (Stops singing to answer Edward) What..its' the only song I could think of.

Edward-yeah except I Kissed A Girl...

Emmett- Well that wouldn't fit the moment... now would it?

Edward- Probably not...

Emmett- (continues with the singing) _But I continue learning..._

Alice – (scoffs) Learning... right...

Emmett – _I never meant to do those things to you... _(still singing and dragging bag slowly) _And so I have to say before I go..._

Alice – Where are you going?

Emmett – Class! (continues singing) _THAT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW! _(dramatically runs to Rose and sings at her feet)

Rosalie – Oh dear lord...

Emmett – _I'VE FOUND A REASON FOR ME! TO CHANGE WHO I USED TO BE! A REASON TO START OVER NEW!_

Rosalie – SHUT UP YOU MORON!

Emmett – AND THE REASON IS YOU!

Teacher – (bursts out of nowhere) Please, people! Control yourselves!

Jasper – But I can control myself! I haven't bitten anyone for ages!

Teacher – O okay then... You need therapy...

Emmett – (starts singing another song) _Maybe I just need some rehab, or maybe I just need some sleep!_

Edward – (whispers into Bella's ear) _Ke$ha, Your Love Is My Drug._

Bella – (mouths) Thanks

Emmett – _I've got a sick obsession! I'm seeing it in my dreams! _(now on the roof of a car singing) _ I'm looking down every alley! I'm making those desperate calls! Hit my head against the walls!_

Rosalie – Yeah, thanks for breaking the wall...

Emmett – _What you've got boy—_I mean GIRL! People! I MEAN GIRL!

-(akward silence)-

Rosalie – (raises eyebrows at Edward)

Edward – Oh c'mon! I AM NOT A GAY BABY!

(Everyone stares)

Rosalie – Taylor! Stop staring at my BUTT! Ugh! Why do I put up with you butt scratching primates!

Emmett – Oh, I scratch my butt _one time!_

Rosalie – NOT YOU! HUMANS!

Emmett – Can I continue with my song now please!

Jasper – NOOO!

Emmett – (ignores everyone's screaming and sings) –_is hard to find. I think about it, all the time..._

Edward – (eye twitches)

Emmett – _I'm all strung out, my heart is fried! I just can't get you off my mind!_

Edward – (eye twitches)

Emmett – _Because your love, your love, your love, IS MY DRUG!_

Edward & Bella – (looks at each other shyly)

Emmett-(Stops singing and starts begging Rosalie for forgiveness) PLEASE ROSE BUTT, PLEASE!

Rosalie- (Looks at him with one eyebrow raised)

Emmett - (Gets so dramatic that he closes his eyes, while he begs)

(Bell rings and she just walks away and so do all the others and he's still begging, and when he opens he's eyes again everyone is gone)

Emmett-PLEASE!... wait a minute...where is everybody? Hello! Enyone! Rose butt! HELLO! NOOOOOO! WHY! I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT! AHHHHHH!

Teacher-Emmett Cullen! Get to class now!

Emmett-Somebody! I'm not alone!(runs to teacher and hugs her of relieve)

Teacher-(shocked)

Emmett-(mumbles in a hurry wisper) We need to escape, we need to hide, they're after us, where do we go, need to survive, need to SURVIVE! (Shaking teacher by shoulders) We need to RUN! (Leaves the very shocked teacher behind runs for he's life screaming like a little girl into school, where he sees the other people)

The other people- (Looks at Emmett like he's crazy)

Emmett- (In a very calm tone) People, lovely. (sits down normally for class, while everyone is staring at him) So what's for lunch?

Other Teacher – So, if we can begin with our work...

Emmett - ... whats that touching my leg ...

Other Teacher – Please open youre books on page—

Emmett – O MY GOD ITS A SPIDER!

Other Teacher – There is no spider, Mr Cullen

Emmett – Oh... sorry that was my leg...

Rosalie – (is in this class too but is hiding from Emmett)

Other Teacher – On page 235 please if you don;t mind—

Emmett – ROSALIE! HOW ARE YA! (yelling)

Rosalie – (silent)

Emmett – WHY ARENT YOU TALKING TO ME!

Rosalie – (silent)

Emmett – LOOK! I'M SORRY I BURPED WHILE KISSING YOU! IT WAS THOSE STUPID MEATBALLS!

Other Teacher – Stop talking in my class!

Emmett – TECHNICLY, I'M SCREAMING!

(Meanwhile in the other classes...)

(Bella and Jasper are in English together and the teacher isn't in the class so everyone is doing what they want)

(One girl is sitting looking depressed, a girl and her boyfriend are kissing, a bunch of girls are giggling, two girls are fighting, one girl is blushing, one guy is sleepy and so on and so forth)

Jasper – I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (runs out of class screaming in horror)

Bella – Why are you all looking at me... (sinks into seat as everyone stares at her)

(Meanwhile in another class...)

(Alice is alone in a class with Mike, Taylor and Austin)

Taylor: FOOTBALL! (accidently throws Alice with the football and gets mud on her dress)

Alice: (stares shocked down at her dress) You... You did this... (glares at Taylor with deep hatred) This is DESIGNER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! (attacks Taylor)

Taylor: I'm sorry okay! (face squished against a window)

Alice: SORRY ISNT GOOD ENOUGH!

(Meanwhile in another class)

(Edward is sitting at a desk, with his head lying on the table in complete boredom listening to Jessica talk...)

Jessica: Do you think Bella would look good in dress? A pink dress? Yeep! I should take her shopping sometime! Do you think she'd go? Where would we go? Port Angeles? Seattle? But who will take us? What about you? Your rich? Youve got a fancy Volvo, please take us! O c'mon pleasssssseeeeeee... Ooo! I forgot about shoes! SHOES! SHOES! High heels are my fave! OMG! I love shoes! La la la la shoes... handbags! Leather handbags! Pink leather handbags! Heart shaped pink leather handbags! JEEEPP! Lalalalaalala... OH! And dresses! PINK DRESSES! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK DRESSES! WITH LACE! AND FLUFF! FLUFFY PINK DRESSES! Oooooooh... and cleavage... don't even get me started on cleavage...

Edward – Please don't...

Jessica – I once fitted on this dress that made my boobs look like frikking massive! I wore it to the prom! Remember! Mike looked so cute at the prom... Mike... (drool) Anyhoo! OMG OMG OMG! Those shoes are hideous! What is your problem gal!

Angela – LEAVE ME ALONE!

Jessica – Those shoes are really ugly... Seriously where did you get them? With an issue of "Ugly Shoes Illustrated"? Was it given out at a old people's home? How old are you? 120!

Edward – I swear Im gonna die of old age, and being me that is quite an achievement...

(Rosalie stalks down the hall next to the class followed by Emmett screaming at her)

Emmett – WHY ARENT YOU TALKING TO ME! ... What is that ... SPIDER! (screams like a little girl and runs in terror and runs Rosalie over)

Rosalie – EMMETT!

Teacher – (following Emmett and Rosalie) GET BACK INTO MY CLASS ROOM THIS INSTANT!

(They disappear only to be replaced by Alice in her underwear holding her mud contaminated dress and dragging Taylor by his feet beside her)

Alice – How am I supposed to wear this now! YOU IDIOT!

Taylor – Ooooooo... Alice underwear...

Mike & Austin– Were coming to save you Taylor!

Alice – (Glares at them)

Mike – Never mind... (he and Austin back away slowly...)

Jasper – (comes running through hallway) I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! (sees Alice) Oooooooo...Alice underwear...

Edward – Thank you for saving me!

Alice – From?

Edward – _Her... _ (points at Jessica)

Emmett: (Comes running down the hall again) SPIDER!

Bella – (walks into hallway too) WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL STARING AT ME!

-(to be continued)-

**I'll be continuing with this story soon, Valerie and I are getting together for an entire weekend to write non-stop!**

**Please REVIEW!**

**Love,**

**xXxRosaliexXx**


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